In today’s world, companies offer bikinis that are actually made for surfers, actually made for waves. Photo: Dan Warbrick / Rip Curl

I have a shoulder injury and it sucks. I’ve had surgeries, done rehab, seen specialists – I’ve basically done everything I can do for it short of a reconstruction. Because of this, I find my time in the water limited – surf, strain muscles, out of water for the rest of the week and repeat.

So here I find myself staying out the front of Shipwrecks on Nusa Lembongan, and it’s kind of pumping. Like, six-foot and barrelling with about eight people out, kind of pumping. The first day the tides weren’t right, the second day I may have just given in and had Bintangs at breakfast, and on the third day, I couldn’t take it any more. It was all about timing. Hit it on the best day, at the best time, because I won’t be able to surf again…

And here comes the biggest set of the day

It’s probably also important to note that I was staying with a guy I had recently met, who I may or may not have been sharing a bed with. You get the gist.

So we make the 20-minute paddle out to the lineup and watch a few sets go by, gauging the lineup. It was a bit crowded but there were plenty of waves for everyone. After a few minutes, a long-period set comes through and the entire lineup starts turning, paddling and dropping off into the abyss. But as the waves march through, those of us still out realise that we’re about to get caught inside on the biggest set of the day.

Underwater dishwasher

Scratch, scratch, paddle, breathe, scratch. Over the first one. Exhale. Scratch, paddle, get to the face and BOOM. The wave breaks, I get sucked back over the falls and it’s an underwater dishwasher. By the time I resurface I’m gasping for air and try to fling myself back onto my board – that’s when I realise that my shoulder has come out of my socket and I am well and truly fucked, as the next set approaches.

After flailing around like a crazy person I manage to get myself on my board. A great success, only I am completely naked. Like, not even just moved around a bit – we’re talking butt-stark-naked-birthday-suit. Top? Gone. Bottoms? Dangling off my leggie.

And as I mentioned, the entire lineup had caught a wave – including this guy that I may or may not have been sharing a bed with – and everyone was en route towards the horizon, passing me along the way.

In the end I had to basically paddle, one-armed, back to shore with a bare ass and nips slipping everywhere, every surfer on Nusa Lembongan getting way more than they bargained for when they paddled out.

Atrocious things can happen

Although it makes for a great yarn, it sucked big styles, and I wouldn’t want to wish that experience on anybody. The thing is though; almost every female surfer has a story like this. “The time I got barrelled and my nipple was out” or “the time my bottoms came off and I had to walk up the beach covering myself with my board” – if you’re a female surfer, atrocious things have happened to you.

In decades past I might say, well, tough luck, you’ve just gotta deal with these bikini malfunctions. But in today’s world that’s not the case. In today’s world, companies like Rip Curl or Patagonia are releasing bikinis that are actually made for surfers, actually made for waves. We just have to know where to find them, and what to look for.

So, here’s a brief shopping guide…

Straps – the most straps the better, in my opinion. You can have a skimpy bikini, but if it’s got enough anchor points, that thing ain’t coming off. I am talking mostly about the top, here.

Moving parts – the less moving parts the better. For example, the classic triangle bikini top is a horrible move, unless you’ve got the two triangles sewn together.

Size – in this case, size doesn’t matter. Obviously don’t go buying a bikini that’s too big for you, but at the same time, don’t go buying a bikini that’s too small for you. If it’s a bikini that’s made for the surf, it doesn’t have to strangle your middle in order to stay on.

Technology – lots of companies these days are coming out with grip technology, where suits are lined with sticky little bits that will keep your bikini up on your bum and stuck on your boobs. If you find a bikini like that (think Rip Curl and Patagonia), you won’t have to worry.

Stay away from…

• Bikinis with ties. Knots come undone, ladies!
• Underwire bikinis. Trust me, you don’t want those bruise lines.
• Baggy bikinis. You want that material flush on your skin for maximum grip.
• Complicated one-pieces. They’re made for the day bed, not the lineup.
• Strapless bikinis. We think this is a no-brainer, but just in case…

By Mimi LaMontagne

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